The next step on this emotional and spiritual journey: LET GO

“Hanging on is fear; letting go is hope. Holding on is believing that there is only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.”

Let go. Letting go. Let’s go!

I thought that if I didn’t deal with the death of my mom almost eight years ago, she wouldn’t really be gone. I was the Mayor of Fantasyland, and damn, I liked my land. (Thank you, Cous) It wasn’t until my dad died unexpectedly in January that life took on a new meaning. As I mentioned before, I skirted through the first few months following his death in a stupor of partying, sleeping, ignoring and doing anything to not feel.

Making the move to Petaluma, alone, not knowing a soul, was what I wanted to be the “beginning of my life.” Little did I know, I was running, sprinting to the ultimate escape. The farther I run, the less I had to deal. Friends said they were proud of me, others were in awe and some were judgmental. The ones that mattered were always in my corner, telling me they know “Karyn will be okay,” they didn’t worry. After getting here, I realized I didn’t believe them and I didn’t believe myself. It was scary because I liked it here, I wanted to be here but my emotions were having a physical impact on my body. I’d been at the bottom before, but they were always “high bottoms.” I always got through…. So, when you finally realize this is a “low bottom” it’s a damn frightening place to be.

So, how do you let go?

“Any way you can. Get help- hire the men with the truck to haul your junk away.  Trick yourself. Find an ally. Hold hands when you leap from the burning building. Pray for grace. Cry…. Give things away. Throw things away….We’re on our way to somewhere else…. Don’t hang on. It’s hard to fly with bags of concrete to your feet. Let go. Let go. Let go.”

Letting go is a foreign act to us because it is surrendering when we are taught to fight, hold on and to control. I can’t bring my parents back, and I have to stop thinking I can. I’m ready to step out of the haze and stop living in the past. 

Daphne Kingma’s activity suggestion:

1.     What is impeding your freedom? What do you need to let go of? Perhaps, debilitating friendships? Unproductive work relationships? A lousy marriage? Hopelessness? Despair? A standard of living you can’t afford?

2.     Pick one area and write one intention that you are committed to fulfilling in the next month. For example, write a farewell letter, donate clothes you no longer wear, sell the car whose payments you can’t meet.

3.     What do you want to show up in place of what you’ve let go of? An inspiring job? Breathing room? Emotional balance?

“We need to let go because whatever we’re holding on to is keeping us attached to the problem….In letting go, we surrender the weight of our burdens and find the lightness of being with which to begin once again.”

I feel as light as a feather……

Do Something Different

If you're anything like me, you might find your life falling apart on a monthly, lately for me, daily, basis. In this inspiring book The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma, you have to be ready to hear it. It's simple, makes sense, but not always easy to incorporate. The first step, Cry Your Heart Out... EASY!!  With both my parents deceased (gosh that's a sucky word), my dad only recently, I've pretty much found myself doing this with ease. However, it was simple to get into a habit of feeling sorry for myself..... Enter stage two, Face Your Defaults. That one's self-explanatory. By no means, easy, but you get it. 

The purpose of this first post and what got me to even start this darn blog (finally!) is the third, Do Something Different.

"Different circumstances call on us to be different. To grow or die.... When circumstances are altered, we must alter our responses to them. There's a purpose to the crisis you're in and part of its purpose is that, through it, in a very profound way, the cosmos is inviting you to have a different experience of life and of yourself."

I hung out in status quo for quite some time. Through my 20's and now the start of the 30's. But status quo isn't cutting anymore. I've never been afraid to take the leap, to be the first, to be alone or to try something new. But, the last 8 months, the only thing getting my butt off the couch was a cold beer, a promise of a fun, yet blackout night, or worse. It's embarrassing to even admit. Shame on me. This is new to me. I'm taking on the benefit of this crisis and stepping out of my comfort zone. 

As Kingma suggests, you must "practice, practice, practice," doing something different. It's as easy as smiling at people you see, complimenting others, dancing down the street, learning something new. As an activity: define your crisis, it's purpose, what steps you're going to take and what mantra you will use through it. 

For me, it's learning to be happy without regret and guilt. This crisis' purpose is to get me to share myself, to find, give and believe in unconditional love (other than from my parents), and to grow from the inside. The steps I'm taking are many...and small... 1) blog about everything and anything, just keep writing 2) start yoga again 3) make it to work every day 3) show up when I say I will 4) no TV on Monday and Wednesday 5) Get people to follow my blog.....there's more, but that's a fair start. 

My mantra... Go Team SeeKarynRun!

-This blog has many purposes, I only hope you find it amusing, entertaining, helpful... whatever. I appreciate you reading it. I'm off to yoga so stay tuned for an in-depth review of Bikram Yoga, Petaluma :)